Bank Bungle

“I mean, it’s not like I didn’t think it through.” Oculor griped to the bank manager as he sliced into the vault door with his optic laser. “The man has absolutely no sense of protocol! You simply do not just hit someone mid-gloat. You didn’t trip the silent alarm, did you?”

“I, um, I’m afraid I did.” The manager wrung his hands, grinning sheepishly.

“Ah, no matter. So anyway, I have to regroup now, which brings us to my little transaction here. I just need to make a withdrawal to fund my latest scheme. You might wanna stand back.”

Oculor yanked the heavy round door from its melted hinges with his tractor beam, casually folding his hands behind his back as he moved the door out of the way and dropped it, shattering the linoleum floor.

Meanwhile, the bank patrons and tellers were all lying facedown on the floor, patiently waiting until the siege ended. The citizens of Huge City were quite used to being caught in bank robberies, especially ones by supervillains.

“Twice in the same day?” A familiar voice caused Oculor to swing his head around 180 degrees.

Standing in the doorway, his cape blowing in an inexplicable breeze, was Ultimate Man. His suit was red with gold trim, gold boots and a golden cape. Anyone watching the scene from the window of a commercial airliner could get that he was a superhero.

“If you wanted to talk,” Ultimate Man said, “you could’ve just called.”

“Oh, it’s you.” Oculor swung his head back around and resumed collecting the money. “Nice trick, by the way, taking advantage of a blind man. Real heroic.”

“Says the man with the hostages.” Ultimate Man jerked his head toward the tile-hugging patrons.

“I didn’t tell them to do that!” Carrying a sack full of loot, Oculor stomped over to Ultimate Man. “They did that all by themselves! They all could’ve left and made individual police reports if they wanted to! Super villain, remember?” Oculor jammed his thumb into his chest. “As in, can only be defeated by a super hero. I never know what to do with hostages. I always think I should go around and get their contact information.”

“Well, I’m here now, so give me the money and leave while you can still walk.” Ultimate Man held his hand out, as if expecting a wad of chewing gum from a child.

“Or, how about you let me take the money, or I’ll vaporize one of these hostages.”

“I thought you said they weren’t your hostages.”

Oculor shrugged. “Well, they’re here, it’d be a shame to waste them.”

Ultimate Man rolled his eyes. “Look, Ockie, why do we always do this? I’m not one of these other chumps in tights, all right? You’re talkin’ to Ultimate Man. You know I’d rip that dome off of your neck and Frisbee it to the nearest penthouse apartment before you could get one shot off.”

Oculor drew himself up to his full height and folded his arms. “You seem to have also forgotten whom you are dealing wi—is it ‘who’ or ‘whom’? I can never remember.”

“I think it’s ‘whom.’”

“YOU,” Oculor said, restarting, “have also forgotten whom you are dealing with! You’d have to find me in order to knock my block off, Ultimate Man.”

Ultimate Man looked at an imaginary watch on his wrist. “Wow, is it National Crazy Day already? I don’t have to find you, you’re right in front of me.”

“Am I?” Oculor flickered, like a…well, like a hologram.

Ultimate Man looked over at the bank vault and saw the hologram projector. It switched itself off, revealing that Oculor and the money he had already taken was just an illusion.

“He came in an hour ago,” the manager said, still wringing his hands as he tiptoed over to Ultimate Man. “He told us he would still be watching, and that he would vaporize anyone who gave it away.”

“UGH!” Ultimate Man shook his head, looking up at the ceiling. “And there goes the rest of my day.”

To be continued...